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Monthly Archives: June 2011

The Lighter


It was by no means a jubilant night when our lighter made its first appearance.

In fact, the night permeated that odour of impending danger, that touch of cold dampness, that taste of fresh gasoline. That which can be found in the most downtrodden places and the most luxurious mansions, in parks and on street corners, in shopping malls and airports, in small laundry rooms and in attic dark rooms, was lurking around.

Yes indeed, death was looming and our lighter was its witness.

There was a man standing on the deck of a small yacht called ‘The Revenge’.

He was a fat man and he knew he was a fat man, but no one ever made mention of it as that was just the way he had always been. A black bowler hat covered his bald head and an unbuttoned black trench coat hung about his shoulders down to his feet, revealing an unhealthy amount of stomach and a buttoned down white shirt with a red necktie beneath its collar.

Behind him stood two men, both had bulging muscles and were sour faced. They were those guys that you saw at the gym every day of the week pumping iron. Those guys that gave you dagger eyes and a condescending grunt when you dropped a weight on your foot and yelled like a girl. Those guys that thought yoga was a little alien from Star Wars. They were also those guys that would beat the crap out of you if their boss told them to.

All three men were staring at a man tied to a rickety wooden chair in the middle of the deck. He was fairly well into his sixties and quite a bit of grey streaked his head at the temples, invading the once dark forest of hair that was almost a thing of the past. His face was a handsome one, with high cheek bones and a solid jaw line that was covered in stubble. There was a cloth gag in his mouth covered in duct tape. He was also doused in about ten litres of gasoline.

If there was a full moon out, the moonlight would have caught on his damp forehead, reflecting the silhouettes of the three men standing before him. But there was no moon out that night, for the business at hand did not permit it.

“What d’ya think boys? Does Mister Coleridge look cosy enough?” said the fat man…

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Posted by on June 10, 2011 in Short story

 

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Cyclists, Lunchboxes and Walkways


Everyone is starting to live healthier. There are more people buying Woolies organic food than ever before and the number of cyclists that get in my way as I drive into town has multiplied threefold. Obesity rates in South Africa, as in the rest of the world, started rising since the introduction of the fast food restaurant in the 90’s and is still a problem throughout the country, but I’m sure if someone does a study they would find that obesity figures have dropped in the Western Cape. The days of: “Oh boy! Mum remembered Melrose” are over and the era of “Oh boy! Mum remembered the roasted pumpkin seed roll with carrots and cherry tomatoes” is being ushered in. The other day I walked by my old high school and saw a kid eating a Ryevita with what I’m now sure was low fat cottage cheese, tomato and cucumber. I can promise you that if I opened my lunchbox to find that inside of it, my mother would not have survived the repercussions. It sounds like I’m bashing healthy food, I am not. I can just imagine how disappointed that poor kid must have been on opening that usually wondrous receptacle of nutrition. Also, the reason there are so many cycling accidents of late isn’t because people have started driving badly all of a sudden, people have always driven badly; it’s because there are so many more cyclists on our roads. This is why everyone is driving around with ThinkBike stickers on their cars, spreading the awareness of cyclists on the roads, a reminder to all drivers to keep out a watchful eye. This is all good and well but I think someone should print a sticker for the other side of the coin, a ThinkCar sticker, because I’ll be damned if I haven’t seen a few near accidents where the driver of the car didn’t have anything to do with said incident, but I digress…

The new City Of Cape Town cycle and walk-way from Bloubergstrand to Cape Town Harbour is looking splendid and I think the people of the Western Cape can give themselves a pat on the back for trying to stay fit and keep healthy, it is a hard thing to start doing and even harder to maintain, but I think we are fighting the battle against obesity well.

So, people of the Western Cape, I salute you.

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2011 in Funny opinion

 

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